Thursday, 15 March 2012

Mind rebelling

I am wondering why this process of remembering every day that passes has hit a wall.

Is my mind rebelling from remembering because doing so reminds me of my mortality?

I am repeatedly struck in my reviews of the days since I began this process nearly three months ago how relentless the flow of time is.

As the great philosopher Ozzy Osbourne once sang: "Today was tomorrow yesterday.  It's funny how the time can slip away."

Is forgetting most days once they are done - as I did until so recently - part of our survival mechanism?

Focus on the present and the choice memories of the past, but not every day as it slips through my fingers. Is that it?

Knowing where I was last week, last month and a growing sense of the years before is a reminder that now is a point an a timeline where in the future vitality will be increasingly lost and in the past opportunities have gone forever.

I will never have a child. My friend David is a little older than I am and his daughter is five weeks old tomorrow. I married late and the few short years where it may have happened have gone. With the birth of David and Sandra's Laura, being childless, which I accepted, is now a much starker reality.

Looking back, I do not regret the decisions that have led me here. Indeed, if I had followed a different path I would have been married and started a family in my twenties. I could have children now at university, probably a divorce and perhaps years of regret.

I would certainly not have lived the life I have. And there are many opportunities I did take that have not only given me memories, but made me the person I am today, with the skills, knowledge and, to some degree, wisdom.

But can I face remembering it all? Is my mind rebelling because we are supposed not to?

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